Happy New Year...

Hey gang...

So yeah, hi, I am still doing this thing... although I'll be the first to admit I've been majorly slacking and that's a pretty big understatement. I also have a few other confessions for you all...

1. I've set myself back on one that a few of the things I was working towards last year... the majority of the weight I lost has come back and while I'm not drinking energy drink as much as I used to, I am sad to say that the whole quitting thing has been packed up.

2. My motivation do fix any of that had all but vanished until the last week ago so I've done nothing to try and get myself back on track.

3. I've let myself be 'defeated' I guess by the various things that are going on in my life, nothing special or anything, just life getting piled up on me, it happens I guess.

Basically the whole looking after myself thing has gone down the shitter in recent months and I've done less than nothing to try and get myself back onto any kind of track that goes towards the things I actually want. I realised a couple of weeks back that I've got myself into this hole, it's one I'm familiar with and maybe it's one that I never really got myself out of when I started all this, I just thought I had and ignored any signs that it was otherwise.

This week I watched the most recent season of Daredevil on Netflix and there was a line that one of the characters, Wilson Fisk, said that smacked some kind of reality in my face:

' You can build a prison of stone and steel, but you merely present the prisoner with a challenge. Any truly determined man will find a way out. But love, love is the perfect prison. Inescapable. '

I've never been one to put blame on anyone else but myself for my problems, the consequences of my actions are on myself and myself only. For the most part that hasn't changed but I feel like under the surface that holds all my plans and hopes and dreams is this constant nagging that I'm doing things without purpose. I've always been a person that thrives on having a purpose, not because I want to be praised or anything but because I work best with a structure that has a big reward at the end for myself and others. I do try to do things that result in the education and betterment of myself so that I'm always learning and improving. I've touched on this before quite heavily but when I started this blog it was originally to try and get myself over a breakup from someone that I loved, still love I should say. That was 5 months ago now and despite my trying both to move on and accept that moving on to quickly was a bad decision I still felt that somehow I wasn't on the right path for dealing with how I was feeling underneath all things I want achieve.

They say when you meet the person that you're supposed to be with, your 'soul mate', that nothing ever stops you from loving them. You have the capacity to love someone else in some way sure, multiple people even, but it's nothing like the purity that comes from finding the one person in this fucked up world that is completely your equal, in how you feel about each other, how you challenge each other and what you want from a life together. When you find that kind of love it feels a lot like you're living in some imaginary world for a while, it feels so intense and consuming that it cant possibly be real. Then you wake up one day, turn over in bed and just see that person asleep next to you and suddenly everything feels peaceful, because once you can accept that you've met the last person in your life you're ever going to want then everything just falls into place. You feel on top of the world. You can imagine the searing pain that you're entire body goes through when that's suddenly taken away from you, there's no peace, there's no sense, there's no purpose... but the intensity of everything is still there and it just burns on in an unforgiving way until it consumes you. You fight and fight for a way out of it all but nothing works, you try and be smarter about things and more forgiving of yourself but nothing works. Thats the hole I've been stuck in for the last 5 months and honestly it's been hell. That quote from Daredevil explained it perfectly, love is the ultimate prison, there's no way out. That thought sparked something in me that momentarily made me feel grounded. Acceptance of the fact there was no way out of my feelings help me to see that maybe I didn't been to move on, but instead maybe I just need to move forward.

I have, to some extent, stopped fighting with myself about the way I feel, it's taken a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that I can stop trying to push myself into things I don't want. There are few things in life I actually want, I don't know if I'll ever get any of them, all I know right now is that the things I don't want cant be a part of who I am anymore. Every year I tend to be the family member that says new years resolutions are a load of shit. I saw last new years in with my ex and it was perfect, so even then I thought why do I need a resolution because I wouldn't change any part of my life. Today though I'm basically making up for all those years without a resolution by taking on a big ol' heap of challenges...

Step one is just to fully accept how I feel. To some extent I've done that. I've even told my ex the ins and outs of it all. 5 months is a long time to exist without the person you love by your side, although in reality I suppose it's no time at all compared to the life that's stretched out in front of me without any real knowledge of if things will maybe work out some day. All I can really do is just accept. I cant hope or wish or plead or beg because I'll just drive myself crazy, my dreams got that covered already without me making it worse for myself. So I acknowledge and accept and move forward. It's challenging at time's, this only being the first week I've been working on it, but it's already granted me moments of clarity that I haven't experiences in months.

Step two is to the look the hell after myself and actually stick to it this time. I've invested some time and soon to be money in a fitness program called 'Nerd Fitness'. And yes it's as cool as it sounds! I've always had an on and off relationship with fitness and the gym. When I'm there I love it but getting myself there and finding a way to make it fit in with my lifestyle is sometimes a problem. I've always felt like I'm sacrificing my personal interests when I take time to go to the gym and while I accept I need to do that, being passionate about things makes it hard to do. Nerd Fitness offers me a way to maintain a fitness program and diet all while keeping my head in my hobbies and lifestyle. I can create myself as a superhero and 'level myself up' as it were. The program allows me to utilise my interests and use them to improve on myself. I've done all the reading and preparation I possibly could do for this and my first day of easing into this new lifestyle is tomorrow.

Step three is to better myself. Learn new things. Educate myself. Focus time, energy and feelings into understanding more about the world we live in.

This site, this blog, is important to me in ways that are indescribable as I track my progress in finding my way through life. In preparation for this 'new year new me' thing I've changed some things around on the site. My bucket list is now sitting at a full 100 things to do going forward and arrangements are in place to get at least start getting things done on a more frequent basis. I have a lot to learn about the world, about myself... I'm hoping 2019 will be a better year, one of understanding, healing and happiness, whatever happens it can't be as bad as this year! I have high hopes, motivation and a good dose of positive mental attitude, I have friends and family around me that mean the world to me, I have the knowledge that I've found the person I want to spend my life with even if things aren't how I want them to be right now. I feel very lucky to have what I have.

Well there's final thoughts for 2018...It has been a hell of a year! I wish everyone of you a happy new year and I hope that 2019 is full of happiness and love.

Have a great one, you'll hear from me again soon

Rx