I'm back...It's my birthday :)

So it's been a while since I've posted anything and there are a few reason why...

Smaller reasons would include the fact I've been working on the website to make it faster and just... better. I've also been in more of a 'planning things' mind set instead of just saying I'm going to do all these thing. I've been looking into ways of achieving some of my bigger goals and planning like planning stops on road trips, finding places to do things...

The main reason though is because I've just needed time to deal with my own headspace. For those of you who don't know why I started this blog as a way of trying to pick myself up from a breakup that threw me down to all kinds of low places. I had the idea in my head that if I was distracted enough from how I was feeling then I just wouldn't feel anything negative. To some extent it worked and for a while I thought I was managing ok, what actually happened though was I buried these feelings that I hadn't allowed myself to just embrace and they came out a million times worse. Because of this, a few weeks ago I stopped updating the blog and decided to just drop the whole 'I'm doing ok' front I had put on until that point. I needed to accept that it was ok for me to not be over my break up, that it was ok to still miss my ex, that it was ok that I was still basically grieving for this life we had planned out that was now not going to happen... all in all that it was ok for me to not be ready to move on and feel good yet. I spent a lot of time working on myself... my mind set, my personal goals, my health... I stopped pushing myself to be ok and just worked on things that would result in my own happiness in the future.

I started going to the gym before work so that I could still exercise when needed but have my evenings to myself to just relax. Because of this I have now lost a stone, settled into a healthy sleeping pattern and allowed myself to have time to do nothing after a days work. During that extra time in the evening I have been able to see more of my friends, catch up on my films and TV shows and play more games. I've also not had an energy drink for over 2 weeks, although I'm not saying I've quit until i've lasted a month, I'm on the right path with that one. Physically, I feel better than I have done in months and that has gone a huge way helping to mental health and my confidence. I also focused on my coursework and achieved another distinction on in my CSI course. I've stopped thinking that I'm ready to start meeting new people and just accepted the fact I'm not ready to and that's ok.

A big part of why I stepped back from doing anything major with the website is because I genuinely want to do all the things on my bucket list and I want them to be incredible experiences. I don't want to be ticking things off the list for the sake of it and look back in the future only to experience feelings of negativity and sadness. In the last few weeks I've done a look of looking into things and planning things out and there are a few things I will probably do sooner rather than later, but because I want to and not as a distraction. I want this website, this blog and my accomplishments to be a positive thing I can look back on one day, not something that was fuelled by my negative feelings. While I'm not quite there yet, I'm well enough on my way to start working on getting things done again.

Getting over a relationship with someone that you planned to spend the rest of your life with can be one of the hardest things a person goes through. Mine was made harder due to the fact my ex didn't really do any wrong by me so I had no excuse to feel negatively towards her no matter how much I wanted to. I was fortunate enough to fall in love with someone that told me the truth no matter what the outcome would be and for that I am grateful, regardless of how hard it was and still is for me. We broke up 3 months ago and people are already asking me if I've thought about moving on or met anyone else, so much so that I thought maybe I should just try and meet new people. The truth is I'm not ready to do that, I still have strong enough feelings for my ex that it wouldn't be fair on me to get anyone else involved or for the person involved because I wouldn't be completely in it like I should be. Honestly I would do anything to get my relationship back and to me that isn't the way I should be thinking if I want to start a new relationship. Perspective and understanding of myself has gone a huge way in helping me just accept how things are at the moment, allowing me to work on things in a constructive way instead of out of feeling like I need to.

Today is my 26th birthday... in this new chapter of my life I'm going to make sure I pay more attention to how I'm feeling and just embrace all the positive and negative feelings that may come. I'm not going to push anything away and I'm not going to push myself mentally to be ready for something that I'm not. Everything I do with this blog now will be filled with positivity and pride and honestly I can't wait to see what my future holds.

Thank you all for bearing with me, I promise I'm going to do my best to stay active on here going forward!

Until next time...

Rx